For The Angels.

(Tears In Heaven: Eric Clapton)

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please 

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven 

There is a deep love that I have in my heart for anyone that has lost a friend, family member, pet or anything that they loved. I know how it feels and I know what it is like to experience the excruciating pain that death brings upon us. I pray for every soul that has hurt and for every person that has been touched by death. God is with you and angels are with your loved ones and your loved ones watch you everyday with a smile on their faces. May light and happiness fill every soul that is aching and may they come to peace. When they cry, let them cry tears of  joy and not tears of pain. My they live a long and healthy live and let them move forward with all the strength needed to go through another day. I love all of you out there, whether you are reading this or not. And I pray for all of you out there. And I hurt with all of you out there and I rejoice with all of you as well. Be happy. Be loving. Go through life with a smile on your face. You never know if the person you smile at needed that smile to reassure them they are worth living. Reach out a friendly hand and help your neighbor. Even if he/she has done you wrong. Be thankful for all that you are given and more important, be thankful for all that has been taken away. We are all beautiful souls. We all have a special light. and it is our duty to share that light with everyone that we can while we still walk the streets of this beautiful world.  

This is how I feel right now. right now and forever. For my great grandma and grandpa Ischkum, Mamaw and Papaw, Grandma and Grandpa Bonadonna, Aunt Sherl, Uncle Ben, Nani, cousin Amanda, Sima Bambouyani, Damian F, Dean Berhow, my baby brother James, and cousin Angelo. Rest In Peace, feel my love, and say hello to all angels up in heaven. I know you are watching me and all the family smiling at us and helping us get through every day. 

Until next time,

Have love.

A Shutter, A Love, A Shatter, A Loved.

A SHUTTER.

February fifth my cousin Angelo passed away. I was in complete disbelief for about a week. It finally hit me on February twenty-fifth that things would never be the same. I pray every night that things will be okay. And for the well being of his family and all of his extended family as well.

A LOVE.

You know that feeling you get when you walk outside and you step into the sunshine and it hits your face? The warmth that overwhelms you and the happiness you feel? Well, I know four people that do that to me. For personal reasons I will use false names for them.. Brian, Ashton, Stephan, Louis. 

Brian is rather far. We haven't spoken in a while but he means the world to me. Also, I love his family as if they were my own. <3

Ashton. A short but sweet interaction that ended sooner than I had hoped. He makes his 50/50 decisions.. and I standby and watch to see what happens.

Stephan is someone I see so much, and I learn new things about him every time we are together. I realized recently that I love everything about him. He's also very strange.

Louis is a person who is misguided beyond belief. We rarely speak these days but I think of him constantly.

A SHATTER.

The breaking of one's heart can happen for oh so many reasons. From the death of a cherished pet or loved family member, a loss of self control, or a low self esteem. To each their own is how I see the way a heart breaks. 

Let me tell you a story of a girl who has a heart that not only breaks.... but it shatters. 

She is so quick to fall in love and never thinks twice until she sees that the end might be near. Nothing ever gets in her way and she always goes for what she wants. Of course, there is one condition. She wants everyone around her to be happy so she makes her choices based on everyone else's happiness. Well, she has recently been told that decisions are a 50/50 thing with the chance of the choice you made blowing up in your face. Well, most recently, it wasn't her own choice that blew up in her face and caused her to hurt. It was the reaction of someone else's decision. With the pain of that person's choice piked atop a many other issues including the death of a loved one, she shattered. Silently. With nothing but the slightest outbursts of rage. Now she sleeps at night and dreams of all the things she wants to see happen and wakes up at five in the morning dreading going through the day. She feels shattered. She feels incomplete. But she has hope. 

A LOVED.

I know that some girls call the ones that they have loved in the past that have either done them wrong or the situation did not end up the way they wished as their "loved." " I loved him" they would say. Well, it is my duty to make sure that all those that I have ever had any feelings for very rarely went away. In many cases they remained my friends and that is all I could ask for. the love I have in my heart will never stop for anyone. No matter how many wrong doings are done, to me or in any manner. I love all and I give many more chances than they are deserving of. I hope no one ever feels they are deprived of my love. 

To anyone who has read this, I am aching. I do not look for pity. I just wish to express myself. Whether it be happy or painful. I see all criticism as constructive and there is only one way to go in this life. and that was it UP.

Until next time,

Keep on smilin'.

"Love is radiant."

 Radiance is the sun.

I found this picture and I think it captures the world's utmost beauty. 

"Everything Happens for A Reason."

"The universe has a way of picking and choosing the right times for things." -Anthony Trandicosta

Do you realize how all romance films are the same? There are two types of romance films. This first one is the "We are best friends but we're in love" story, That one goes like this: Two best friends go their whole life loving each other  and never realize it until they have a big fight and the truth comes out. Usually it end happy. The second type is "The two strangers who are meant to be." This one is the one that gets better ratings overall, probably because it's what everyone wants to happen. Two people meet each other and either they absolutely hate each other or they are immediately attracted to one another. After a while, the get together and it's all good. Until there's a blow out fight, they break up, there's a montage of some sort, and one or the other realizes what they did was wrong and they end up happy again.

I'm sure that there is someone out there for everyone. At every moment of everyday there is a girl and a guy wondering why they haven't found the love of their life. Or they are debating to stop looking for love. That's the problem. You aren't supposed to look for love. Love comes TO you. The fun part is letting t hit you out of nowhere, when you least expect it! But  can guarantee that if you sit on the sidelines pretending to wait for love to find you, it still won't come. Patience, confidence, and and open mind is all it takes. A new friend of mine said it best; "The universe has a way of picking and choosing the right times for things."

Well world, that's all for now. 

Until next time,

Stay loving!

A Feeling of Guilt.

Have you ever had a friend and did something really messed up to them, where they stopped talking to you and you felt like a complete jerk? 

And then when you find them after years and years over a website and just by seeing  their name you wonder if they still hate you? 

I just experienced that.

Here's a story:

When I was in 8th grade I met this boy. His name, Chris Jones. He was funny and smart and always knew how to make me laugh. we became pretty good friends and eventually found out that our mothers had worked together in the same place. Which, of course, only made us closer. He would come over often and we would play video games with my siblings and we would have so much fun.Well, one night we stayed up for about 12 hours talking on the phone and after realizing how many things we had in common we had came to the conclusion that we should date. He had asked me to be his girlfriend and I had accepted. I was happy at the moment but the very next day he came over and we were sitting on the couch together. I didn't realize it when I accepted but while we were sitting on the couch in my head all I could think was "Holy cow, this guy is like my brother. I can't be his girlfriend." and of course I felt like a jerk when I told him because for a minute there I thin we both thought that we found something good. But we were just too close and too much like siblings. 

Well I'm sure you can imagine that that made things a little tense between us. We ended up not as close. Well being a VERY immature 8th grader, a friend of mine and I decided to make a fake Myspace of a white girl whose name I can't remember. (Although the name Alicia is poking at my thoughts) We, my friend and I, decided to add Chris as a friend. We told him that she was my cousin and we were trying to get information out of him regarding his liking and intentions with me. Eventually he found out and he wasn't too happy about it. It ended a friendship that had ended because we attempted a relationship that probably should have never happened.

Well, I just today, found Chris on Facebook. After all these years, all I had to do was see his name and I felt like a jerk. What I did back then was very stupid and very wrong. The first thing I thought as I sent Chris a Facebook friend request was "I wonder if he still hates me?"

That is, if he ever hated me to begin with. We had a very special friendship. And thinking back on it was probably one of the best friendships that I had when I first moved to Las Vegas. And whether or not it was my fault directly or indirectly, I regret making that stupid fake Myspace and I can only imagine what we would be like now if none of that ever happened.

So this is me forever apologizing Chris Jones. I am sorry for being a dumb 8th grader back in the day. I miss our friendship of sitting on the floor for hours playing Crash Bandicoot, tickle fights, wrestling, and the taking off and throwing of socks... Those were the good days. I hope your life is swell!

A Love for Music

So today I have decided to go with a different format than I usually use.

I'm feeling a little creative today.

I'm feeling a little....

I remember myself as a child listening to music and loving to sing along with it.

So I guess that's when it all started.

With one tiny, insignificant

voice.

I have always loved to sing. 

To me a person's voice is the best instrument they can play.

I loved hearing my own voice.

Not so much in a conceited way but in a way that way appreciative.

I loved that I could express my feelings through my musically talented voice.

My next musical memory that I remember was always playing the "air violin."

I still to this day absolutely adore the sound of the violin. 

I remember telling myself that I was going to learn it and play in some really big orchestra.

Then when I was in maybe second or third grade, the school I was in had a miniature recess.

During that recess, my best friend at the time and I would go into this little room with a piano.

It was then that she taught me how to play "Heart and Soul."

That was the first day I was influenced by a non-bodily instrument.

I fell in love with the piano and always wanted to play it. 

I don't necessarily remember what brought it up but shortly after that my parent's put me in piano lessons.

I HATED taking lessons. 

I don't remember if it was the teacher or if I just didn't like putting forth the effort. 

I just remember not ever wanting to go back.

Eventually I was given a keyboard as a gift.

I would spend countless hours sitting on my floor playing and listening to the songs that were on it.

I wanted to learn everyone. 

I grew tired of hearing the same songs over and over again.

I would hear songs on the radio and think of the tunes is my head and them play them on my keyboard.

I played piano for about seven years before I learned how to read notes. 

I still struggle to read notes.

Now, I  know how to read notes but I can't sit down, look at a music book and play the piano.

I still mainly play by ear.

THEN...

I would find myself becoming more and more attracted to the sound of guitar.

The older I got the more I appreciated hearing guitar. 

Something inside my soul would always be moved whenever hearing the sound of someone playing guitar.

For the longest time I envied those who could play any amount of guitar. 

The longer I went without taking the initiative to learn the more I yearned to play.

One day, my best friend's uncle [Sean], that I've spoken about in a previous post, came over to the house.

He is a large Dave Matthews Band fan and I heard him playing some of their songs.

Instantly my heart melted and I explained to him how I wished to play.

At that point in time he offered to teach me what he knew. 

I probably looked like a little kid who's wish had finally came true.

A long life dream that I've had to play my absolute favorite instrument has come true.

I have probably been playing guitar now for 3 or 4 months now.

I'm no guitar genius but just like with everything else in life, the more I practice the better I'm getting.

I'm so thankful for Sean igniting that tiny spark that I had.

Soon enough it will be a full blown flame that will have me writing my own music!

or at least I hope :)

But on a different note; a much less creative  note anyway, I am being educated. "Educated how" you ask? Well Sean not only is teaching me what he has to know about guitar. He is now teaching me all he knows within his film making expertise! He has created an extremely long list of the movies I have not seen and that he owns and is having me watch them. He's 'putting some culture in my life.' "How's this for culture?" -Seven. Not only has he accumulated a plethora of movies for me to indulge myself in, he has also supplied me with a list of around 60 songs with CD's to match for me to listen to. All of songs or artists that I have never heard of. He has also made me aware of all the books and books of plays that he has in his closet. I was told that I will read some of them. I have NO problem what so ever, doing this. I am excited to soak up as much knowledge in films, music, books, and plays as I possibly can. It will be a very exciting next few months. :) 

NOW  LET THE LEARNING BEGIN!  

THANKS ALL FOR READING.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,

STAY MUSICAL!

"Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns."

Actually, I would prefer if you DID NOT send in the clowns.

Alright, so I'm afraid of clowns. So what? I had actually attempted to Google- image a picture of a clown to post with this entry but I couldn't do it, so I thought of something else instead. 

Anyway, I have absolutely no idea why it is that I have a fear of clowns. I suppose it is a common fear although there is a difference between a phobia and just being afraid of something. Nothing ever happened to me as a child. Not that I can remember anyway. I was never harmed or influenced by a clown. But any portrayal of a clown absolutely terrifies me. Many people joke and poke fun at me when they see me jump and cover my face or automatically turn the other way, but it is something that I have to live with. If I have kids later on in life I will not be able to enjoy taking them to a circus. I try at all costs to avoid haunted houses during Halloween. While my friends suggest that we go to various haunted houses I have to constantly remind them how just the sight of a clown's face temporarily stops my heart and shortens my breath and sends a warning of shock throughout my body. 

I suppose seeing a person with a pale face, and a painted on smile doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. 

Why did I choose to talk about this? I'm not even sure. Recently people try to trick me into watching movies about clowns. I don't appreciate it. So if you are one of those people, STOP IT.

I, just the other night, had a dream, or you can say nightmare, of a clown. Well actually it was grandfather dressed as a clown and he was trying to scare me. And needless to say, it worked. The dream seemed so real that when I woke up I felt like i was still cowering in the corner like I had been to hide from the clown. I hate clowns. H.A.T.E

I tried to convince myself once that I would dress up as a clown for Halloween. Yea well, ya know what? That isn't going to happen. I'd probably cry and all the makeup would run off. 

Anyway, for all you other victims of Coulrophobia out there, stay strong! :)

That's all for now. 

Until later,

I'm out!

p.s.

if you are afraid of clowns and are looking for info on the phobia of clowns, 

DO NOT go to wikki for information. Why? Because they have this nice little picture of an evil clown on the side. I Immediately changes the page. Stupid wikki -_-

Seen In the Eyes of A Mourning Parent.

Have you ever noticed that when people cry when a loved one has died it is more of a selfish tear than an empathetic cry? Most cry because the person or being is now out of THEIR life. Not for the person or being itself. Is that the proper way to mourn? I think that if people actually spent time mourning for the person or being instead of having the sadness for themselves things would be quite different.

If you've ever witnessed the true and undying love of a parent I think maybe you understand what I mean. A parent goes through their life loving their child like no one knows unless they are a parents themselves. I myself am not a parent but have witnessed such love. Not on a personal level yet but one day. Anyway, it is most easy to tell a parent's love for their child when the child is ill or passed away. As a child I watched my youngest brother pass away. As I watched my mother attempt to revive him, I saw the love that she had. The ultimate fear that something she had loved more than anything in the world, her child, was going to die was written across her face and sent out the strongest signal. She didn't weep because she lost him per say. She wept because he was robbed of a life, he was wronged by a foul play doctor, and was never able to live the life she wanted for him.

Tonight, 11/19/2010, [now bear with me, technically at this very moment it is 11/20/2010, but it is 3 am.] I took the little girl I babysit for a walk in her stroller and my best friend Chelsea, the little girl's aunt, came with. After feeding geese at the lake we decided to go back home. The weather was lovely and I wanted to keep walking so we took the route that circled around and went back to the house. In doing this, we passed Chelsea's Uncle's [Sean] house. We decided to stop for a visit. We spent a while downstairs chatting away with Sean's stepmother. Eventually we all headed upstairs and found a terrifying thing. Sean was holding down his dog Jacoby, who was going into multiple convulsions.

Jacoby is a dog that Sean and his past girlfriend had bought and raised. Everyone who knew or currently knows Sean understands that Jacoby, aka Bubbs, is Sean's son. Sean himself would refer to Bubbs as his child. I have never seen a person have as much love for their pet as Sean does. For Sean, Bubbs was not a pet, he was a child.

We hurried Jacoby to the vet. They took him into a back room and gave him some sedatives. Unfortunately, after a given amount of time there was nothing left to be done and poor Jacoby passed away. Never in my life have I seen a man cry the way I did tonight. Now, throwing this out there, there are said feelings I have that internally made me have an automatic empathy for Sean. Also, because I know that I will, someday soon, have to put my own lifetime dog down. It's a terrible thing that has to be done in crucial times like these.

Back to the love. On the ride to the vet, watching Sean cuddle, comfort, and contain his son in the farthest seat of the van while trying to contain himself and keep cool, knowing full well what was bound to happen, showed me that love that I hadn't seen in so long. The love that is so painfully obvious that can only be fully comprehended in drastic times such as these. Sean always, still, ad forever will love Jacoby. And Jacoby always, still, and forever will love Sean. Jacoby waited until he couldn't hold on any longer, and waited until a day Sean was home. Sean had family and friends all by his side to help him get through it as best he could. I don't necessarily believe that death happens for a reason. I do however believe that certain situations happen for a reason. A show was sold out leaving Sean staying home, I wanted to keep walking so we continued to walk, we went to say hello, and everything just happened from there. It may not be the best of situations but it surely played out in an interesting fashion.

Please, all and anyone who reads this specific post, pray for Sean's well being. Tonight will stick with him for quite some time. If you aren't one to pray, just keep him in your thoughts and wish him happiness. He deserves it.

Now, on my own personal thought level:

Why is it that this type of love is only so easy to be noticed in such terrible times? That is one question I would love to have answered. I have no reasoning of my own. If anyone has an idea feel free to throw it out there. I'm all ears.

Until next time,

I'm out.

Rest In Peace Jacoby. <3
You are Forever loved and Never forgotten.
Stay strong Sean, stay strong.

SEAN AND JACOBY
VVVVVVVVVVVVV