Seen In the Eyes of A Mourning Parent.

Have you ever noticed that when people cry when a loved one has died it is more of a selfish tear than an empathetic cry? Most cry because the person or being is now out of THEIR life. Not for the person or being itself. Is that the proper way to mourn? I think that if people actually spent time mourning for the person or being instead of having the sadness for themselves things would be quite different.

If you've ever witnessed the true and undying love of a parent I think maybe you understand what I mean. A parent goes through their life loving their child like no one knows unless they are a parents themselves. I myself am not a parent but have witnessed such love. Not on a personal level yet but one day. Anyway, it is most easy to tell a parent's love for their child when the child is ill or passed away. As a child I watched my youngest brother pass away. As I watched my mother attempt to revive him, I saw the love that she had. The ultimate fear that something she had loved more than anything in the world, her child, was going to die was written across her face and sent out the strongest signal. She didn't weep because she lost him per say. She wept because he was robbed of a life, he was wronged by a foul play doctor, and was never able to live the life she wanted for him.

Tonight, 11/19/2010, [now bear with me, technically at this very moment it is 11/20/2010, but it is 3 am.] I took the little girl I babysit for a walk in her stroller and my best friend Chelsea, the little girl's aunt, came with. After feeding geese at the lake we decided to go back home. The weather was lovely and I wanted to keep walking so we took the route that circled around and went back to the house. In doing this, we passed Chelsea's Uncle's [Sean] house. We decided to stop for a visit. We spent a while downstairs chatting away with Sean's stepmother. Eventually we all headed upstairs and found a terrifying thing. Sean was holding down his dog Jacoby, who was going into multiple convulsions.

Jacoby is a dog that Sean and his past girlfriend had bought and raised. Everyone who knew or currently knows Sean understands that Jacoby, aka Bubbs, is Sean's son. Sean himself would refer to Bubbs as his child. I have never seen a person have as much love for their pet as Sean does. For Sean, Bubbs was not a pet, he was a child.

We hurried Jacoby to the vet. They took him into a back room and gave him some sedatives. Unfortunately, after a given amount of time there was nothing left to be done and poor Jacoby passed away. Never in my life have I seen a man cry the way I did tonight. Now, throwing this out there, there are said feelings I have that internally made me have an automatic empathy for Sean. Also, because I know that I will, someday soon, have to put my own lifetime dog down. It's a terrible thing that has to be done in crucial times like these.

Back to the love. On the ride to the vet, watching Sean cuddle, comfort, and contain his son in the farthest seat of the van while trying to contain himself and keep cool, knowing full well what was bound to happen, showed me that love that I hadn't seen in so long. The love that is so painfully obvious that can only be fully comprehended in drastic times such as these. Sean always, still, ad forever will love Jacoby. And Jacoby always, still, and forever will love Sean. Jacoby waited until he couldn't hold on any longer, and waited until a day Sean was home. Sean had family and friends all by his side to help him get through it as best he could. I don't necessarily believe that death happens for a reason. I do however believe that certain situations happen for a reason. A show was sold out leaving Sean staying home, I wanted to keep walking so we continued to walk, we went to say hello, and everything just happened from there. It may not be the best of situations but it surely played out in an interesting fashion.

Please, all and anyone who reads this specific post, pray for Sean's well being. Tonight will stick with him for quite some time. If you aren't one to pray, just keep him in your thoughts and wish him happiness. He deserves it.

Now, on my own personal thought level:

Why is it that this type of love is only so easy to be noticed in such terrible times? That is one question I would love to have answered. I have no reasoning of my own. If anyone has an idea feel free to throw it out there. I'm all ears.

Until next time,

I'm out.

Rest In Peace Jacoby. <3
You are Forever loved and Never forgotten.
Stay strong Sean, stay strong.

SEAN AND JACOBY
VVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Ray of Inspiration.

When I first decided to have a blog I told myself that I would write on it as if it were a journal. I realize that it is quite hard for me to keep up with a journal, much less a journal on the computer. Haha. I also find it more relaxing to just have a flow of ideas come to me as I type on this blog than to have a specific mood like anger or love be the basis of the entire entry.

Good and bad thoughts have flown through my mind since the last entry. I do all I can to try and be happy. Sometimes I wonder if it is true happiness I have or if it is something I want others to see. In that case, what happens when I am no longer around people? This attitude of happiness has faded.

I notice something about myself. I strive to make others happy. Now I'm sure that is what everyone says. Other than those select few who are on this world to make only themselves happy. I am a person that lingers and feeds off of other's happiness. I only find my own peace of mind when another person is happy. I know that it makes those around me sad, when I myself am sad. So to stop this from happening, I do not show my sadness or if I am hurting, that I hurt. This prevents my "down" emotions from effecting others. This is only half the battle. The other half is helping them if they are hurting regardless of how I feel. At this point I feel it is my duty to do everything and anything within my power to help make their lives easier to live or to them, more worth living.

Happiness is something that is contagious. When you see one person with a smile, you cannot help but to smile as well. Unfortunately, Sadness is also contagious. For many, when they see one crying, they also cry.

So smile when you can. Help spread the happiness. Of course every now and again you need to let out some tears. Everyone does. As for me, tears are something that only the walls of my room will see. Mainly because my purpose in life is to make people happy. Out of all the people in this world, I am included. I, like everyone else on this world, only want to be happy. And I am going to, slowly but surely, make sure that every person I meet will be happy at one point or another in their lives because of me! :) That's a promise.

I would like to dedicate this post to a friend of mine who recently created a blog as well. She was telling me about it, which reminded me that I should write on mine. So Heidi Eileen Kratz, you are today's "Ray of Inspiration."


Until next time, keep smiling!

A New Me.

At one point or another someone decides, that during their life, they want a fresh start, a new beginning and a clean slate. Right now, this person is me.

It is said that in stories, when it rains it means that there is a foreshadowed change of heart in a character. In my life, as of right now, there was a recent storm. A storm that overpowers so many different things. A storm that I couldn't hide from. It took my house, my family, and a large part of my life away. Now, many times in my past I've heard people tell me to work with what I've been given. Now, more than ever do I pay attention to these words. I am working with what I have, which isn't very much and I am running wild with it. I am no longer sitting on the sidelines. When I see what I want, I will go for it.

There was once a time when I would hesitate to go for something I wanted because I chose other people's happiness over my own. I have come to realize that in one's life, the first and foremost happiness you should be worried about is your own. For someone like me, this is difficult.

I once heard a saying that the night can only be at it's darkest before the sun comes out again. I had hit an emotional apocalypse and was unsure of my survival, but then a few people helped me realize that not only was my sun starting to come out but that I had my blinds closed as well. I tend to sulk in the pain that comes upon me instead of trying to move forward. Simply because I get stuck in the mind frame that I can still fix what had gone wrong.

*Note to self: You cannot change the past. You can learn from the past and work during your present to better you future.

Current day: I am as happy as I was before the storm hit. Maybe even happier. I have some new people in my life, some new thoughts, and some VERY good things to look forward to. I will continue doing the things that I love and continue to surround myself with people who make me smile and remind me how bright my sun is. :)

That is all.