Seen In the Eyes of A Mourning Parent.

Have you ever noticed that when people cry when a loved one has died it is more of a selfish tear than an empathetic cry? Most cry because the person or being is now out of THEIR life. Not for the person or being itself. Is that the proper way to mourn? I think that if people actually spent time mourning for the person or being instead of having the sadness for themselves things would be quite different.

If you've ever witnessed the true and undying love of a parent I think maybe you understand what I mean. A parent goes through their life loving their child like no one knows unless they are a parents themselves. I myself am not a parent but have witnessed such love. Not on a personal level yet but one day. Anyway, it is most easy to tell a parent's love for their child when the child is ill or passed away. As a child I watched my youngest brother pass away. As I watched my mother attempt to revive him, I saw the love that she had. The ultimate fear that something she had loved more than anything in the world, her child, was going to die was written across her face and sent out the strongest signal. She didn't weep because she lost him per say. She wept because he was robbed of a life, he was wronged by a foul play doctor, and was never able to live the life she wanted for him.

Tonight, 11/19/2010, [now bear with me, technically at this very moment it is 11/20/2010, but it is 3 am.] I took the little girl I babysit for a walk in her stroller and my best friend Chelsea, the little girl's aunt, came with. After feeding geese at the lake we decided to go back home. The weather was lovely and I wanted to keep walking so we took the route that circled around and went back to the house. In doing this, we passed Chelsea's Uncle's [Sean] house. We decided to stop for a visit. We spent a while downstairs chatting away with Sean's stepmother. Eventually we all headed upstairs and found a terrifying thing. Sean was holding down his dog Jacoby, who was going into multiple convulsions.

Jacoby is a dog that Sean and his past girlfriend had bought and raised. Everyone who knew or currently knows Sean understands that Jacoby, aka Bubbs, is Sean's son. Sean himself would refer to Bubbs as his child. I have never seen a person have as much love for their pet as Sean does. For Sean, Bubbs was not a pet, he was a child.

We hurried Jacoby to the vet. They took him into a back room and gave him some sedatives. Unfortunately, after a given amount of time there was nothing left to be done and poor Jacoby passed away. Never in my life have I seen a man cry the way I did tonight. Now, throwing this out there, there are said feelings I have that internally made me have an automatic empathy for Sean. Also, because I know that I will, someday soon, have to put my own lifetime dog down. It's a terrible thing that has to be done in crucial times like these.

Back to the love. On the ride to the vet, watching Sean cuddle, comfort, and contain his son in the farthest seat of the van while trying to contain himself and keep cool, knowing full well what was bound to happen, showed me that love that I hadn't seen in so long. The love that is so painfully obvious that can only be fully comprehended in drastic times such as these. Sean always, still, ad forever will love Jacoby. And Jacoby always, still, and forever will love Sean. Jacoby waited until he couldn't hold on any longer, and waited until a day Sean was home. Sean had family and friends all by his side to help him get through it as best he could. I don't necessarily believe that death happens for a reason. I do however believe that certain situations happen for a reason. A show was sold out leaving Sean staying home, I wanted to keep walking so we continued to walk, we went to say hello, and everything just happened from there. It may not be the best of situations but it surely played out in an interesting fashion.

Please, all and anyone who reads this specific post, pray for Sean's well being. Tonight will stick with him for quite some time. If you aren't one to pray, just keep him in your thoughts and wish him happiness. He deserves it.

Now, on my own personal thought level:

Why is it that this type of love is only so easy to be noticed in such terrible times? That is one question I would love to have answered. I have no reasoning of my own. If anyone has an idea feel free to throw it out there. I'm all ears.

Until next time,

I'm out.

Rest In Peace Jacoby. <3
You are Forever loved and Never forgotten.
Stay strong Sean, stay strong.

SEAN AND JACOBY
VVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Ray of Inspiration.

When I first decided to have a blog I told myself that I would write on it as if it were a journal. I realize that it is quite hard for me to keep up with a journal, much less a journal on the computer. Haha. I also find it more relaxing to just have a flow of ideas come to me as I type on this blog than to have a specific mood like anger or love be the basis of the entire entry.

Good and bad thoughts have flown through my mind since the last entry. I do all I can to try and be happy. Sometimes I wonder if it is true happiness I have or if it is something I want others to see. In that case, what happens when I am no longer around people? This attitude of happiness has faded.

I notice something about myself. I strive to make others happy. Now I'm sure that is what everyone says. Other than those select few who are on this world to make only themselves happy. I am a person that lingers and feeds off of other's happiness. I only find my own peace of mind when another person is happy. I know that it makes those around me sad, when I myself am sad. So to stop this from happening, I do not show my sadness or if I am hurting, that I hurt. This prevents my "down" emotions from effecting others. This is only half the battle. The other half is helping them if they are hurting regardless of how I feel. At this point I feel it is my duty to do everything and anything within my power to help make their lives easier to live or to them, more worth living.

Happiness is something that is contagious. When you see one person with a smile, you cannot help but to smile as well. Unfortunately, Sadness is also contagious. For many, when they see one crying, they also cry.

So smile when you can. Help spread the happiness. Of course every now and again you need to let out some tears. Everyone does. As for me, tears are something that only the walls of my room will see. Mainly because my purpose in life is to make people happy. Out of all the people in this world, I am included. I, like everyone else on this world, only want to be happy. And I am going to, slowly but surely, make sure that every person I meet will be happy at one point or another in their lives because of me! :) That's a promise.

I would like to dedicate this post to a friend of mine who recently created a blog as well. She was telling me about it, which reminded me that I should write on mine. So Heidi Eileen Kratz, you are today's "Ray of Inspiration."


Until next time, keep smiling!

A New Me.

At one point or another someone decides, that during their life, they want a fresh start, a new beginning and a clean slate. Right now, this person is me.

It is said that in stories, when it rains it means that there is a foreshadowed change of heart in a character. In my life, as of right now, there was a recent storm. A storm that overpowers so many different things. A storm that I couldn't hide from. It took my house, my family, and a large part of my life away. Now, many times in my past I've heard people tell me to work with what I've been given. Now, more than ever do I pay attention to these words. I am working with what I have, which isn't very much and I am running wild with it. I am no longer sitting on the sidelines. When I see what I want, I will go for it.

There was once a time when I would hesitate to go for something I wanted because I chose other people's happiness over my own. I have come to realize that in one's life, the first and foremost happiness you should be worried about is your own. For someone like me, this is difficult.

I once heard a saying that the night can only be at it's darkest before the sun comes out again. I had hit an emotional apocalypse and was unsure of my survival, but then a few people helped me realize that not only was my sun starting to come out but that I had my blinds closed as well. I tend to sulk in the pain that comes upon me instead of trying to move forward. Simply because I get stuck in the mind frame that I can still fix what had gone wrong.

*Note to self: You cannot change the past. You can learn from the past and work during your present to better you future.

Current day: I am as happy as I was before the storm hit. Maybe even happier. I have some new people in my life, some new thoughts, and some VERY good things to look forward to. I will continue doing the things that I love and continue to surround myself with people who make me smile and remind me how bright my sun is. :)

That is all.

It's Harder Than I Thought,

this whole, keep up with the blog thing. I have to keep in mind that instead of rushing to the closest paper and pen, I do have the wonderful internet at my fingertips. I also have to try and convince myself on a daily basis that I was born into a technological era. 

A personal belief I have is that life could go perfectly fine without the high end mechanics we have today. Hearing teens my age say "I don't know what I would do without my cell phone," really bugs me. I hate to carry my phone with me wherever it's not needed. Granted, I get my head bitten off when i leave a text unread or don't respond immediately but hey, I don't need to be contacted 24/7 and every minute of every hour. If I wanted that, I would move in with you. 

Anyway, I'm trying to become one with the internet. This is a perk I am happy to take part of. I love to write and typing whatever it is that I'd like to write makes my hands a little bit more appreciative. :)

Well I'm at the stage in a situation I am currently in where I start to worry about everything. It's almost like  disease that I get rid of when there is no, we'll call it a "substance", in my life. When I do have the "substance" and everything is running as smoothly as it possibly could, my mind goes into over drive. I over think every and any detail of every and any situation, I second guess any choices I am thinking of making (which is not like me in the slightest) and then it all goes down hill from there. I like to call it over obsessive worry-wart syndrome. (OOWWS)* In other words, it creates injuries. Mostly personal/ emotional problems all while driving me crazy at the same time. 

There is no known cure for this ridiculous illness. Though it is heard that helpful advice and shoulders to lean on of friends lessens the intensity of any brain draining, heart hurting, or mind aching side effects of this illness.

That is all I have to say for now. TTFN

*yes. OOWWS is a made up illness, that i JUST came up with while writing this entry. 

Just One of Those Things.

Has anything really good happened to you? Everything is going great and then one day you find out that everything in your life could all change? Well I'll let you in on a little secret, it's not a good feeling in the slightest. Right now all I can think is that I hope that the good that I acquired will stay constant through all the bad I will possibly have to handle. Something tells me that it will be like my own little escape from it all...

What is this good? The question is WHO is this good. Yes people, it's a who. A who that somehow knows exactly what to say. Maybe because he's been through similar things before. Or maybe he never had the luxury of having what I've had my entire life. He makes me look at the bigger picture instead of the tiny corner of the picture that I've been focusing too hard on.

I have been looking at the situation like this:

If you take one piece from from 100 different puzzles and try to shove them all together to make a 100 piece puzzle it won't work very well. In this case, every piece is better a part from each other. Is that what some families are like? I'd like to find out. Because right now I'm seeing too many different pieces in this puzzle that are trying ever so desperately to be a beautiful and well put together puzzle. Unfortunately, something isn't right.

Luckily for me, I have a good on m side as well to help me keep my mind in the positive things in my life. Him included.

Well people of the interweb, that is all for today.

Just Getting By

There are always those people who you think you will have in your life forever and then at some point you realize that you haven't talked to them in years. Why does it work out like that?

When I was five years old I lived on a street called Nagle. It was the best block in the neighborhood. All us kids were friends with each other because all of our parent's were friends. We had all gone to the grade school that was 4 blocks away and would all walk there together. I lived on that block for about 9 years[from the ages of 3 to 12]. Those were in fact, the best years of my life.

In that house lived my family, Mom: Sandra, Dad: John, Brothers: John, Vinny, James, and Sister: Josephine. Throughout my life we always had someone living in our basement. Some of my earliest memories are playing cards with this little old lady who use to live there. She taught me how to make a house of cards and how to play Rummy. There were times when family friends lived down there. Heck, even my grandparents lived there at one point.

My house was the "child magnet" house, as my parents liked to put it. We always had kids in and out of our yard, in the house, in out pool, and just everywhere. My father had worked at a karaoke bar where many of the parents would go hang out on Saturday nights. We actually had our own karaoke system in our house and it was the main event at parties we had. We also let people use it whenever we would have a block party. Which was almost every summer.

I had three best friends living on that block. Anthony [Tony], Bianca, and Rebecca.

Tony was the smallest of all of us. He was always the same size as my younger brother Johnny (who is 3 years younger than me) and they got along very well. Did I mention that Tony is a year older than me? ha ha.
He played every sport you could think of and was the life of the party wherever he went. Actually, back in the day I had one of those "crushes" on him. Which was ironic because our mothers, who were best friends, had decided that we were to be married on day. Weren't those the good times?

Bianca was the "doll", more or less, of the group. Her family was well known on the block. Her mother Pam was very tall and beautiful and her daughters took after her. She was also a beautician. I will never forget the one day I went to meet up with Bianca to walk to school and she was wearing a pink cowgirl outfit with the largest perm I had ever seen in my life. Bianca and I had a very interesting friendship. Every summer, something would happen to spark up a fight, which always resulted in some sort of physical violence. Afterward we had maybe ten minutes of thinking time before we were back knocking on each other's doors to come play. We were the dynamic duo of the block. We were always walking around the block, going to 7-eleven, or trying to catch the stray cats/dogs that were roaming in the alley ways. Like I said, we had an interesting friendship. Interesting but great.

Rebecca was the ultimate friend. Now, we never did too much running around but we always had something to do. You see, I had this huge porch on the front of my house that was perfect for playing on. It always made the best set for horse figurines. That's right, horse figurines. Rebecca and I didn't play Barbies together, or makeovers, we played with our animals. There was never an idea that wasn't looked into when it came to the imagination we used. It was amazing. Now, I remember that I was slightly looked down upon for playing with these toys. At times, other friends of mine would approach us on my porch asking me if I wanted to play. Well of course I rejected (politely of course) because I was just having too much fun using my imagination. Imagine that!

Regardless of how I was looked at I was always me with my friends. I guess that "me" didn't suit all of them when it came to staying in touch when I moved half way across the country.

In June of 2004, my family packed up and moved to Las Vegas. I was 12 1/2 years old and I thought it was a grand idea. I mean, what could be better than lights all around and having a big house? Well, I was 12 then. I'm 18 now and realizing that it's not the attractions that makes the place, it's the people. That can be taken in many ways. I have met some rather amazing people living here but the amount of not-so-great people is by far, a larger percentage. It's been 6 years now that I've lived in Vegas and it is only now that I am starting to see it as home. I still have my heart stuck in Chicago, but my body recognizes Vegas as where I "have" to be. For the time being anyway.

I just want to know what happened to a lot of the friend I had when I lived back in Chicago. All those good times that we had. I guess they just turn into distant memories. I hate the feeling of having past memories with a person but not being able to make new ones. In other words, losing a friend is THE worst thing in the world.

I skipped out on a lot of things in my childhood. Emotions were a big part of that. I had been through a lot of things when I was younger and I always saw myself as "the strong one". It was a standard that I held myself up to. This way if someone needed to break down I could be there to help them. I allowed myself to often become the target of people's anger, sadness, happiness or anything other mental release that needed to be taken care of. With this, I had formulated myself to believe that crying is a sign of weakness. Not in others, but in myself. Not a good thing. I had experienced many deaths as a child. When I was 5, my baby brother, James [Jimmy], died of heart failure at 3 months of age. I remember that day more than I do any other day in my life. I sat and watched as my mother hectically attempted to revive him, I watched as firemen took him to the ambulance, and I remember watching his body be lowered into the ground. Ultimately, the most devastating days of my life. When I was 10, My best friend from school, Sima [also 10], died in one of Iran's most deadly earthquakes. It was bad enough that it happened in the first placed but it happened the day after Christmas. When I was 15, a friend from grade school, Damian, died ice fishing with his grandfather. and the most recent death I've had to face was my friend Dean, who died cliff diving. His death, was the one that hit me the hardest mentally. At summer's end, after graduating and finally finishing those 12 years of school, he was robbed of, well, everything. When I found out, all I could think was "that could have been me". But no, I am the "lucky" one who gets to pursue a career that I earned after going to college. I could have a family and a home. A beautiful wedding and a beautiful house. Dean doesn't get that. Neither does Jimmy or Sima or Damian.

When I go through situations like, guys problems, work issues, or "school is too hard", I have to keep in mind how lucky I am that I even have the opportunity to have any of those things. Unlike my friends who were robbed of so much. When I hear that people are "just getting by" I think, "No. You have all you need. Food, water, a shelter, any of the above. You aren't hanging on for dear life. You ARE in fact alive." Don't just sit there and mope in your self pity because in the blink of an eye, you can have heart failure, or accidentally fall in a lake, or get caught in an earthquake, or break your neck. Live life for all it is. Explore the wonders. Laugh every minute. Take advantage of the life God has given you and rejoice in it.

Until next time, I'm out.