For The Angels.

(Tears In Heaven: Eric Clapton)

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please 

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven 

There is a deep love that I have in my heart for anyone that has lost a friend, family member, pet or anything that they loved. I know how it feels and I know what it is like to experience the excruciating pain that death brings upon us. I pray for every soul that has hurt and for every person that has been touched by death. God is with you and angels are with your loved ones and your loved ones watch you everyday with a smile on their faces. May light and happiness fill every soul that is aching and may they come to peace. When they cry, let them cry tears of  joy and not tears of pain. My they live a long and healthy live and let them move forward with all the strength needed to go through another day. I love all of you out there, whether you are reading this or not. And I pray for all of you out there. And I hurt with all of you out there and I rejoice with all of you as well. Be happy. Be loving. Go through life with a smile on your face. You never know if the person you smile at needed that smile to reassure them they are worth living. Reach out a friendly hand and help your neighbor. Even if he/she has done you wrong. Be thankful for all that you are given and more important, be thankful for all that has been taken away. We are all beautiful souls. We all have a special light. and it is our duty to share that light with everyone that we can while we still walk the streets of this beautiful world.  

This is how I feel right now. right now and forever. For my great grandma and grandpa Ischkum, Mamaw and Papaw, Grandma and Grandpa Bonadonna, Aunt Sherl, Uncle Ben, Nani, cousin Amanda, Sima Bambouyani, Damian F, Dean Berhow, my baby brother James, and cousin Angelo. Rest In Peace, feel my love, and say hello to all angels up in heaven. I know you are watching me and all the family smiling at us and helping us get through every day. 

Until next time,

Have love.

A Shutter, A Love, A Shatter, A Loved.

A SHUTTER.

February fifth my cousin Angelo passed away. I was in complete disbelief for about a week. It finally hit me on February twenty-fifth that things would never be the same. I pray every night that things will be okay. And for the well being of his family and all of his extended family as well.

A LOVE.

You know that feeling you get when you walk outside and you step into the sunshine and it hits your face? The warmth that overwhelms you and the happiness you feel? Well, I know four people that do that to me. For personal reasons I will use false names for them.. Brian, Ashton, Stephan, Louis. 

Brian is rather far. We haven't spoken in a while but he means the world to me. Also, I love his family as if they were my own. <3

Ashton. A short but sweet interaction that ended sooner than I had hoped. He makes his 50/50 decisions.. and I standby and watch to see what happens.

Stephan is someone I see so much, and I learn new things about him every time we are together. I realized recently that I love everything about him. He's also very strange.

Louis is a person who is misguided beyond belief. We rarely speak these days but I think of him constantly.

A SHATTER.

The breaking of one's heart can happen for oh so many reasons. From the death of a cherished pet or loved family member, a loss of self control, or a low self esteem. To each their own is how I see the way a heart breaks. 

Let me tell you a story of a girl who has a heart that not only breaks.... but it shatters. 

She is so quick to fall in love and never thinks twice until she sees that the end might be near. Nothing ever gets in her way and she always goes for what she wants. Of course, there is one condition. She wants everyone around her to be happy so she makes her choices based on everyone else's happiness. Well, she has recently been told that decisions are a 50/50 thing with the chance of the choice you made blowing up in your face. Well, most recently, it wasn't her own choice that blew up in her face and caused her to hurt. It was the reaction of someone else's decision. With the pain of that person's choice piked atop a many other issues including the death of a loved one, she shattered. Silently. With nothing but the slightest outbursts of rage. Now she sleeps at night and dreams of all the things she wants to see happen and wakes up at five in the morning dreading going through the day. She feels shattered. She feels incomplete. But she has hope. 

A LOVED.

I know that some girls call the ones that they have loved in the past that have either done them wrong or the situation did not end up the way they wished as their "loved." " I loved him" they would say. Well, it is my duty to make sure that all those that I have ever had any feelings for very rarely went away. In many cases they remained my friends and that is all I could ask for. the love I have in my heart will never stop for anyone. No matter how many wrong doings are done, to me or in any manner. I love all and I give many more chances than they are deserving of. I hope no one ever feels they are deprived of my love. 

To anyone who has read this, I am aching. I do not look for pity. I just wish to express myself. Whether it be happy or painful. I see all criticism as constructive and there is only one way to go in this life. and that was it UP.

Until next time,

Keep on smilin'.

"Love is radiant."

 Radiance is the sun.

I found this picture and I think it captures the world's utmost beauty. 

"Everything Happens for A Reason."

"The universe has a way of picking and choosing the right times for things." -Anthony Trandicosta

Do you realize how all romance films are the same? There are two types of romance films. This first one is the "We are best friends but we're in love" story, That one goes like this: Two best friends go their whole life loving each other  and never realize it until they have a big fight and the truth comes out. Usually it end happy. The second type is "The two strangers who are meant to be." This one is the one that gets better ratings overall, probably because it's what everyone wants to happen. Two people meet each other and either they absolutely hate each other or they are immediately attracted to one another. After a while, the get together and it's all good. Until there's a blow out fight, they break up, there's a montage of some sort, and one or the other realizes what they did was wrong and they end up happy again.

I'm sure that there is someone out there for everyone. At every moment of everyday there is a girl and a guy wondering why they haven't found the love of their life. Or they are debating to stop looking for love. That's the problem. You aren't supposed to look for love. Love comes TO you. The fun part is letting t hit you out of nowhere, when you least expect it! But  can guarantee that if you sit on the sidelines pretending to wait for love to find you, it still won't come. Patience, confidence, and and open mind is all it takes. A new friend of mine said it best; "The universe has a way of picking and choosing the right times for things."

Well world, that's all for now. 

Until next time,

Stay loving!

A Feeling of Guilt.

Have you ever had a friend and did something really messed up to them, where they stopped talking to you and you felt like a complete jerk? 

And then when you find them after years and years over a website and just by seeing  their name you wonder if they still hate you? 

I just experienced that.

Here's a story:

When I was in 8th grade I met this boy. His name, Chris Jones. He was funny and smart and always knew how to make me laugh. we became pretty good friends and eventually found out that our mothers had worked together in the same place. Which, of course, only made us closer. He would come over often and we would play video games with my siblings and we would have so much fun.Well, one night we stayed up for about 12 hours talking on the phone and after realizing how many things we had in common we had came to the conclusion that we should date. He had asked me to be his girlfriend and I had accepted. I was happy at the moment but the very next day he came over and we were sitting on the couch together. I didn't realize it when I accepted but while we were sitting on the couch in my head all I could think was "Holy cow, this guy is like my brother. I can't be his girlfriend." and of course I felt like a jerk when I told him because for a minute there I thin we both thought that we found something good. But we were just too close and too much like siblings. 

Well I'm sure you can imagine that that made things a little tense between us. We ended up not as close. Well being a VERY immature 8th grader, a friend of mine and I decided to make a fake Myspace of a white girl whose name I can't remember. (Although the name Alicia is poking at my thoughts) We, my friend and I, decided to add Chris as a friend. We told him that she was my cousin and we were trying to get information out of him regarding his liking and intentions with me. Eventually he found out and he wasn't too happy about it. It ended a friendship that had ended because we attempted a relationship that probably should have never happened.

Well, I just today, found Chris on Facebook. After all these years, all I had to do was see his name and I felt like a jerk. What I did back then was very stupid and very wrong. The first thing I thought as I sent Chris a Facebook friend request was "I wonder if he still hates me?"

That is, if he ever hated me to begin with. We had a very special friendship. And thinking back on it was probably one of the best friendships that I had when I first moved to Las Vegas. And whether or not it was my fault directly or indirectly, I regret making that stupid fake Myspace and I can only imagine what we would be like now if none of that ever happened.

So this is me forever apologizing Chris Jones. I am sorry for being a dumb 8th grader back in the day. I miss our friendship of sitting on the floor for hours playing Crash Bandicoot, tickle fights, wrestling, and the taking off and throwing of socks... Those were the good days. I hope your life is swell!

A Love for Music

So today I have decided to go with a different format than I usually use.

I'm feeling a little creative today.

I'm feeling a little....

I remember myself as a child listening to music and loving to sing along with it.

So I guess that's when it all started.

With one tiny, insignificant

voice.

I have always loved to sing. 

To me a person's voice is the best instrument they can play.

I loved hearing my own voice.

Not so much in a conceited way but in a way that way appreciative.

I loved that I could express my feelings through my musically talented voice.

My next musical memory that I remember was always playing the "air violin."

I still to this day absolutely adore the sound of the violin. 

I remember telling myself that I was going to learn it and play in some really big orchestra.

Then when I was in maybe second or third grade, the school I was in had a miniature recess.

During that recess, my best friend at the time and I would go into this little room with a piano.

It was then that she taught me how to play "Heart and Soul."

That was the first day I was influenced by a non-bodily instrument.

I fell in love with the piano and always wanted to play it. 

I don't necessarily remember what brought it up but shortly after that my parent's put me in piano lessons.

I HATED taking lessons. 

I don't remember if it was the teacher or if I just didn't like putting forth the effort. 

I just remember not ever wanting to go back.

Eventually I was given a keyboard as a gift.

I would spend countless hours sitting on my floor playing and listening to the songs that were on it.

I wanted to learn everyone. 

I grew tired of hearing the same songs over and over again.

I would hear songs on the radio and think of the tunes is my head and them play them on my keyboard.

I played piano for about seven years before I learned how to read notes. 

I still struggle to read notes.

Now, I  know how to read notes but I can't sit down, look at a music book and play the piano.

I still mainly play by ear.

THEN...

I would find myself becoming more and more attracted to the sound of guitar.

The older I got the more I appreciated hearing guitar. 

Something inside my soul would always be moved whenever hearing the sound of someone playing guitar.

For the longest time I envied those who could play any amount of guitar. 

The longer I went without taking the initiative to learn the more I yearned to play.

One day, my best friend's uncle [Sean], that I've spoken about in a previous post, came over to the house.

He is a large Dave Matthews Band fan and I heard him playing some of their songs.

Instantly my heart melted and I explained to him how I wished to play.

At that point in time he offered to teach me what he knew. 

I probably looked like a little kid who's wish had finally came true.

A long life dream that I've had to play my absolute favorite instrument has come true.

I have probably been playing guitar now for 3 or 4 months now.

I'm no guitar genius but just like with everything else in life, the more I practice the better I'm getting.

I'm so thankful for Sean igniting that tiny spark that I had.

Soon enough it will be a full blown flame that will have me writing my own music!

or at least I hope :)

But on a different note; a much less creative  note anyway, I am being educated. "Educated how" you ask? Well Sean not only is teaching me what he has to know about guitar. He is now teaching me all he knows within his film making expertise! He has created an extremely long list of the movies I have not seen and that he owns and is having me watch them. He's 'putting some culture in my life.' "How's this for culture?" -Seven. Not only has he accumulated a plethora of movies for me to indulge myself in, he has also supplied me with a list of around 60 songs with CD's to match for me to listen to. All of songs or artists that I have never heard of. He has also made me aware of all the books and books of plays that he has in his closet. I was told that I will read some of them. I have NO problem what so ever, doing this. I am excited to soak up as much knowledge in films, music, books, and plays as I possibly can. It will be a very exciting next few months. :) 

NOW  LET THE LEARNING BEGIN!  

THANKS ALL FOR READING.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,

STAY MUSICAL!

"Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns."

Actually, I would prefer if you DID NOT send in the clowns.

Alright, so I'm afraid of clowns. So what? I had actually attempted to Google- image a picture of a clown to post with this entry but I couldn't do it, so I thought of something else instead. 

Anyway, I have absolutely no idea why it is that I have a fear of clowns. I suppose it is a common fear although there is a difference between a phobia and just being afraid of something. Nothing ever happened to me as a child. Not that I can remember anyway. I was never harmed or influenced by a clown. But any portrayal of a clown absolutely terrifies me. Many people joke and poke fun at me when they see me jump and cover my face or automatically turn the other way, but it is something that I have to live with. If I have kids later on in life I will not be able to enjoy taking them to a circus. I try at all costs to avoid haunted houses during Halloween. While my friends suggest that we go to various haunted houses I have to constantly remind them how just the sight of a clown's face temporarily stops my heart and shortens my breath and sends a warning of shock throughout my body. 

I suppose seeing a person with a pale face, and a painted on smile doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. 

Why did I choose to talk about this? I'm not even sure. Recently people try to trick me into watching movies about clowns. I don't appreciate it. So if you are one of those people, STOP IT.

I, just the other night, had a dream, or you can say nightmare, of a clown. Well actually it was grandfather dressed as a clown and he was trying to scare me. And needless to say, it worked. The dream seemed so real that when I woke up I felt like i was still cowering in the corner like I had been to hide from the clown. I hate clowns. H.A.T.E

I tried to convince myself once that I would dress up as a clown for Halloween. Yea well, ya know what? That isn't going to happen. I'd probably cry and all the makeup would run off. 

Anyway, for all you other victims of Coulrophobia out there, stay strong! :)

That's all for now. 

Until later,

I'm out!

p.s.

if you are afraid of clowns and are looking for info on the phobia of clowns, 

DO NOT go to wikki for information. Why? Because they have this nice little picture of an evil clown on the side. I Immediately changes the page. Stupid wikki -_-

Seen In the Eyes of A Mourning Parent.

Have you ever noticed that when people cry when a loved one has died it is more of a selfish tear than an empathetic cry? Most cry because the person or being is now out of THEIR life. Not for the person or being itself. Is that the proper way to mourn? I think that if people actually spent time mourning for the person or being instead of having the sadness for themselves things would be quite different.

If you've ever witnessed the true and undying love of a parent I think maybe you understand what I mean. A parent goes through their life loving their child like no one knows unless they are a parents themselves. I myself am not a parent but have witnessed such love. Not on a personal level yet but one day. Anyway, it is most easy to tell a parent's love for their child when the child is ill or passed away. As a child I watched my youngest brother pass away. As I watched my mother attempt to revive him, I saw the love that she had. The ultimate fear that something she had loved more than anything in the world, her child, was going to die was written across her face and sent out the strongest signal. She didn't weep because she lost him per say. She wept because he was robbed of a life, he was wronged by a foul play doctor, and was never able to live the life she wanted for him.

Tonight, 11/19/2010, [now bear with me, technically at this very moment it is 11/20/2010, but it is 3 am.] I took the little girl I babysit for a walk in her stroller and my best friend Chelsea, the little girl's aunt, came with. After feeding geese at the lake we decided to go back home. The weather was lovely and I wanted to keep walking so we took the route that circled around and went back to the house. In doing this, we passed Chelsea's Uncle's [Sean] house. We decided to stop for a visit. We spent a while downstairs chatting away with Sean's stepmother. Eventually we all headed upstairs and found a terrifying thing. Sean was holding down his dog Jacoby, who was going into multiple convulsions.

Jacoby is a dog that Sean and his past girlfriend had bought and raised. Everyone who knew or currently knows Sean understands that Jacoby, aka Bubbs, is Sean's son. Sean himself would refer to Bubbs as his child. I have never seen a person have as much love for their pet as Sean does. For Sean, Bubbs was not a pet, he was a child.

We hurried Jacoby to the vet. They took him into a back room and gave him some sedatives. Unfortunately, after a given amount of time there was nothing left to be done and poor Jacoby passed away. Never in my life have I seen a man cry the way I did tonight. Now, throwing this out there, there are said feelings I have that internally made me have an automatic empathy for Sean. Also, because I know that I will, someday soon, have to put my own lifetime dog down. It's a terrible thing that has to be done in crucial times like these.

Back to the love. On the ride to the vet, watching Sean cuddle, comfort, and contain his son in the farthest seat of the van while trying to contain himself and keep cool, knowing full well what was bound to happen, showed me that love that I hadn't seen in so long. The love that is so painfully obvious that can only be fully comprehended in drastic times such as these. Sean always, still, ad forever will love Jacoby. And Jacoby always, still, and forever will love Sean. Jacoby waited until he couldn't hold on any longer, and waited until a day Sean was home. Sean had family and friends all by his side to help him get through it as best he could. I don't necessarily believe that death happens for a reason. I do however believe that certain situations happen for a reason. A show was sold out leaving Sean staying home, I wanted to keep walking so we continued to walk, we went to say hello, and everything just happened from there. It may not be the best of situations but it surely played out in an interesting fashion.

Please, all and anyone who reads this specific post, pray for Sean's well being. Tonight will stick with him for quite some time. If you aren't one to pray, just keep him in your thoughts and wish him happiness. He deserves it.

Now, on my own personal thought level:

Why is it that this type of love is only so easy to be noticed in such terrible times? That is one question I would love to have answered. I have no reasoning of my own. If anyone has an idea feel free to throw it out there. I'm all ears.

Until next time,

I'm out.

Rest In Peace Jacoby. <3
You are Forever loved and Never forgotten.
Stay strong Sean, stay strong.

SEAN AND JACOBY
VVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Ray of Inspiration.

When I first decided to have a blog I told myself that I would write on it as if it were a journal. I realize that it is quite hard for me to keep up with a journal, much less a journal on the computer. Haha. I also find it more relaxing to just have a flow of ideas come to me as I type on this blog than to have a specific mood like anger or love be the basis of the entire entry.

Good and bad thoughts have flown through my mind since the last entry. I do all I can to try and be happy. Sometimes I wonder if it is true happiness I have or if it is something I want others to see. In that case, what happens when I am no longer around people? This attitude of happiness has faded.

I notice something about myself. I strive to make others happy. Now I'm sure that is what everyone says. Other than those select few who are on this world to make only themselves happy. I am a person that lingers and feeds off of other's happiness. I only find my own peace of mind when another person is happy. I know that it makes those around me sad, when I myself am sad. So to stop this from happening, I do not show my sadness or if I am hurting, that I hurt. This prevents my "down" emotions from effecting others. This is only half the battle. The other half is helping them if they are hurting regardless of how I feel. At this point I feel it is my duty to do everything and anything within my power to help make their lives easier to live or to them, more worth living.

Happiness is something that is contagious. When you see one person with a smile, you cannot help but to smile as well. Unfortunately, Sadness is also contagious. For many, when they see one crying, they also cry.

So smile when you can. Help spread the happiness. Of course every now and again you need to let out some tears. Everyone does. As for me, tears are something that only the walls of my room will see. Mainly because my purpose in life is to make people happy. Out of all the people in this world, I am included. I, like everyone else on this world, only want to be happy. And I am going to, slowly but surely, make sure that every person I meet will be happy at one point or another in their lives because of me! :) That's a promise.

I would like to dedicate this post to a friend of mine who recently created a blog as well. She was telling me about it, which reminded me that I should write on mine. So Heidi Eileen Kratz, you are today's "Ray of Inspiration."


Until next time, keep smiling!

A New Me.

At one point or another someone decides, that during their life, they want a fresh start, a new beginning and a clean slate. Right now, this person is me.

It is said that in stories, when it rains it means that there is a foreshadowed change of heart in a character. In my life, as of right now, there was a recent storm. A storm that overpowers so many different things. A storm that I couldn't hide from. It took my house, my family, and a large part of my life away. Now, many times in my past I've heard people tell me to work with what I've been given. Now, more than ever do I pay attention to these words. I am working with what I have, which isn't very much and I am running wild with it. I am no longer sitting on the sidelines. When I see what I want, I will go for it.

There was once a time when I would hesitate to go for something I wanted because I chose other people's happiness over my own. I have come to realize that in one's life, the first and foremost happiness you should be worried about is your own. For someone like me, this is difficult.

I once heard a saying that the night can only be at it's darkest before the sun comes out again. I had hit an emotional apocalypse and was unsure of my survival, but then a few people helped me realize that not only was my sun starting to come out but that I had my blinds closed as well. I tend to sulk in the pain that comes upon me instead of trying to move forward. Simply because I get stuck in the mind frame that I can still fix what had gone wrong.

*Note to self: You cannot change the past. You can learn from the past and work during your present to better you future.

Current day: I am as happy as I was before the storm hit. Maybe even happier. I have some new people in my life, some new thoughts, and some VERY good things to look forward to. I will continue doing the things that I love and continue to surround myself with people who make me smile and remind me how bright my sun is. :)

That is all.

It's Harder Than I Thought,

this whole, keep up with the blog thing. I have to keep in mind that instead of rushing to the closest paper and pen, I do have the wonderful internet at my fingertips. I also have to try and convince myself on a daily basis that I was born into a technological era. 

A personal belief I have is that life could go perfectly fine without the high end mechanics we have today. Hearing teens my age say "I don't know what I would do without my cell phone," really bugs me. I hate to carry my phone with me wherever it's not needed. Granted, I get my head bitten off when i leave a text unread or don't respond immediately but hey, I don't need to be contacted 24/7 and every minute of every hour. If I wanted that, I would move in with you. 

Anyway, I'm trying to become one with the internet. This is a perk I am happy to take part of. I love to write and typing whatever it is that I'd like to write makes my hands a little bit more appreciative. :)

Well I'm at the stage in a situation I am currently in where I start to worry about everything. It's almost like  disease that I get rid of when there is no, we'll call it a "substance", in my life. When I do have the "substance" and everything is running as smoothly as it possibly could, my mind goes into over drive. I over think every and any detail of every and any situation, I second guess any choices I am thinking of making (which is not like me in the slightest) and then it all goes down hill from there. I like to call it over obsessive worry-wart syndrome. (OOWWS)* In other words, it creates injuries. Mostly personal/ emotional problems all while driving me crazy at the same time. 

There is no known cure for this ridiculous illness. Though it is heard that helpful advice and shoulders to lean on of friends lessens the intensity of any brain draining, heart hurting, or mind aching side effects of this illness.

That is all I have to say for now. TTFN

*yes. OOWWS is a made up illness, that i JUST came up with while writing this entry. 

Just One of Those Things.

Has anything really good happened to you? Everything is going great and then one day you find out that everything in your life could all change? Well I'll let you in on a little secret, it's not a good feeling in the slightest. Right now all I can think is that I hope that the good that I acquired will stay constant through all the bad I will possibly have to handle. Something tells me that it will be like my own little escape from it all...

What is this good? The question is WHO is this good. Yes people, it's a who. A who that somehow knows exactly what to say. Maybe because he's been through similar things before. Or maybe he never had the luxury of having what I've had my entire life. He makes me look at the bigger picture instead of the tiny corner of the picture that I've been focusing too hard on.

I have been looking at the situation like this:

If you take one piece from from 100 different puzzles and try to shove them all together to make a 100 piece puzzle it won't work very well. In this case, every piece is better a part from each other. Is that what some families are like? I'd like to find out. Because right now I'm seeing too many different pieces in this puzzle that are trying ever so desperately to be a beautiful and well put together puzzle. Unfortunately, something isn't right.

Luckily for me, I have a good on m side as well to help me keep my mind in the positive things in my life. Him included.

Well people of the interweb, that is all for today.

Just Getting By

There are always those people who you think you will have in your life forever and then at some point you realize that you haven't talked to them in years. Why does it work out like that?

When I was five years old I lived on a street called Nagle. It was the best block in the neighborhood. All us kids were friends with each other because all of our parent's were friends. We had all gone to the grade school that was 4 blocks away and would all walk there together. I lived on that block for about 9 years[from the ages of 3 to 12]. Those were in fact, the best years of my life.

In that house lived my family, Mom: Sandra, Dad: John, Brothers: John, Vinny, James, and Sister: Josephine. Throughout my life we always had someone living in our basement. Some of my earliest memories are playing cards with this little old lady who use to live there. She taught me how to make a house of cards and how to play Rummy. There were times when family friends lived down there. Heck, even my grandparents lived there at one point.

My house was the "child magnet" house, as my parents liked to put it. We always had kids in and out of our yard, in the house, in out pool, and just everywhere. My father had worked at a karaoke bar where many of the parents would go hang out on Saturday nights. We actually had our own karaoke system in our house and it was the main event at parties we had. We also let people use it whenever we would have a block party. Which was almost every summer.

I had three best friends living on that block. Anthony [Tony], Bianca, and Rebecca.

Tony was the smallest of all of us. He was always the same size as my younger brother Johnny (who is 3 years younger than me) and they got along very well. Did I mention that Tony is a year older than me? ha ha.
He played every sport you could think of and was the life of the party wherever he went. Actually, back in the day I had one of those "crushes" on him. Which was ironic because our mothers, who were best friends, had decided that we were to be married on day. Weren't those the good times?

Bianca was the "doll", more or less, of the group. Her family was well known on the block. Her mother Pam was very tall and beautiful and her daughters took after her. She was also a beautician. I will never forget the one day I went to meet up with Bianca to walk to school and she was wearing a pink cowgirl outfit with the largest perm I had ever seen in my life. Bianca and I had a very interesting friendship. Every summer, something would happen to spark up a fight, which always resulted in some sort of physical violence. Afterward we had maybe ten minutes of thinking time before we were back knocking on each other's doors to come play. We were the dynamic duo of the block. We were always walking around the block, going to 7-eleven, or trying to catch the stray cats/dogs that were roaming in the alley ways. Like I said, we had an interesting friendship. Interesting but great.

Rebecca was the ultimate friend. Now, we never did too much running around but we always had something to do. You see, I had this huge porch on the front of my house that was perfect for playing on. It always made the best set for horse figurines. That's right, horse figurines. Rebecca and I didn't play Barbies together, or makeovers, we played with our animals. There was never an idea that wasn't looked into when it came to the imagination we used. It was amazing. Now, I remember that I was slightly looked down upon for playing with these toys. At times, other friends of mine would approach us on my porch asking me if I wanted to play. Well of course I rejected (politely of course) because I was just having too much fun using my imagination. Imagine that!

Regardless of how I was looked at I was always me with my friends. I guess that "me" didn't suit all of them when it came to staying in touch when I moved half way across the country.

In June of 2004, my family packed up and moved to Las Vegas. I was 12 1/2 years old and I thought it was a grand idea. I mean, what could be better than lights all around and having a big house? Well, I was 12 then. I'm 18 now and realizing that it's not the attractions that makes the place, it's the people. That can be taken in many ways. I have met some rather amazing people living here but the amount of not-so-great people is by far, a larger percentage. It's been 6 years now that I've lived in Vegas and it is only now that I am starting to see it as home. I still have my heart stuck in Chicago, but my body recognizes Vegas as where I "have" to be. For the time being anyway.

I just want to know what happened to a lot of the friend I had when I lived back in Chicago. All those good times that we had. I guess they just turn into distant memories. I hate the feeling of having past memories with a person but not being able to make new ones. In other words, losing a friend is THE worst thing in the world.

I skipped out on a lot of things in my childhood. Emotions were a big part of that. I had been through a lot of things when I was younger and I always saw myself as "the strong one". It was a standard that I held myself up to. This way if someone needed to break down I could be there to help them. I allowed myself to often become the target of people's anger, sadness, happiness or anything other mental release that needed to be taken care of. With this, I had formulated myself to believe that crying is a sign of weakness. Not in others, but in myself. Not a good thing. I had experienced many deaths as a child. When I was 5, my baby brother, James [Jimmy], died of heart failure at 3 months of age. I remember that day more than I do any other day in my life. I sat and watched as my mother hectically attempted to revive him, I watched as firemen took him to the ambulance, and I remember watching his body be lowered into the ground. Ultimately, the most devastating days of my life. When I was 10, My best friend from school, Sima [also 10], died in one of Iran's most deadly earthquakes. It was bad enough that it happened in the first placed but it happened the day after Christmas. When I was 15, a friend from grade school, Damian, died ice fishing with his grandfather. and the most recent death I've had to face was my friend Dean, who died cliff diving. His death, was the one that hit me the hardest mentally. At summer's end, after graduating and finally finishing those 12 years of school, he was robbed of, well, everything. When I found out, all I could think was "that could have been me". But no, I am the "lucky" one who gets to pursue a career that I earned after going to college. I could have a family and a home. A beautiful wedding and a beautiful house. Dean doesn't get that. Neither does Jimmy or Sima or Damian.

When I go through situations like, guys problems, work issues, or "school is too hard", I have to keep in mind how lucky I am that I even have the opportunity to have any of those things. Unlike my friends who were robbed of so much. When I hear that people are "just getting by" I think, "No. You have all you need. Food, water, a shelter, any of the above. You aren't hanging on for dear life. You ARE in fact alive." Don't just sit there and mope in your self pity because in the blink of an eye, you can have heart failure, or accidentally fall in a lake, or get caught in an earthquake, or break your neck. Live life for all it is. Explore the wonders. Laugh every minute. Take advantage of the life God has given you and rejoice in it.

Until next time, I'm out.